There's no religion but time and motion

Calling Cut

kneestogether:

Do you ever get the overwhelming feeling that you don’t want to be somewhere? Like all of a sudden you want more than anything to escape from a situation as quickly as possible?

Have you ever left, without explanation, in the middle of sex? I have. Twice.

There have been many instances where I’ve gone home with a guy I was unsure of, ignored the red flags, and let myself be pressured into going through with something I didn’t 100 percent want to do. There’s this unspoken feeling that, once you’ve crossed a certain line, it’s too late to back out.

The two encounters I chose to end early weren’t the worst experiences of my life. But I was with guys I didn’t know very well and wasn’t particularly attracted to, and I found myself just wishing for it to end so I could get out of there. And then, because I was focusing on how much I didn’t want to be there, I closed up and it became really painful.

So I decided to do what, in that moment, would make me happiest. I decided that just because I’d made a mistake going home with this guy in the first place, didn’t mean I had to see that error through to the end. I chose to respect myself and put my own feelings first. I got up, put on my clothes, and left.

The guys were understandably surprised and confused. They took it personally, demanded an explanation, wanted to know what they’d done wrong.

But no matter how I tried to explain it to them, pushed to the verge of tears trying to defend my right to say no despite the fact that I’d consented previously, they couldn’t understand that it wasn’t about something having gone wrong, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, I simply did not want to be there anymore.

What surprised me most were my friend’s reactions when I told them about leaving in the middle of sex. There’s a definite sense that it’s a faux pas. Once you consent, you’ve consented, there’s no going back on that.

Enthusiastic consent defends an individual’s right to change his or her mind. Sex is a two-way street and if one party, for any reason at all, isn’t having fun or just wants it to be over, that should be enough. They don’t need to have a “good reason” or provide anyone an explanation.

In these situations, it was as simple as realizing, a little too late, that I didn’t want to be with that person, and nothing they did was going to change that fact.

These experiences helped caution me against jumping into bed with someone when my gut was telling me otherwise, which is a valuable lesson. But I also think enthusiastic consent discussions need to focus more on the right to change one’s mind. We need to know that, if something isn’t working, it’s completely acceptible to exercise our right to get the hell out.